You Are Winning the Game, But You Hate the Prize
How many people do you know who have the job, the house, and the car, but look completely dead behind the eyes? They are victims of False Metrics.
You Are Winning the Game, But You Hate the Prize.
How many people do you know who have the job, the house, and the car, but look completely dead behind the eyes?
We all know one. Maybe you are one. They are winning the game. They have the points. They have the trophies. They have the LinkedIn updates that get hundreds of likes. But they are exhausted by the prize.
This is the danger of what I call False Metrics.
We spend the first half of our lives climbing a ladder, only to realize at age 40 that it was leaning against the wrong wall. We maximize for things we don't actually want, because we never stopped to ask the question: Is this my game?
The Scorecard You Didn't Write
Society hands us a scorecard early in life. It is unspoken, but it is clear. It tells us that success is a formula: Visibility + Velocity + Validation = A Good Life.
Visibility:* How many people know who you are? How big is your title? Velocity:* How fast are you moving? Did you make Manager by 25? Director by 30? Validation:* Do people applaud when you walk in the room?
If you are earning more, moving faster, and getting more applause, you are "winning." But here is the catch: You can succeed at all of these things and still be spiritually bankrupt.
I have met millionaires who are miserable. I have met CEOs who are lonely. I have met "influencers" who feel invisible. They followed the map perfectly, but the map led to a cliff.
Image vs. Energy
The core problem is that most of us build our lives for our Ego, not our Energy.
Your Ego is concerned with how things look. It asks: "Does this look successful? Will this impress my parents? Will this make my high school rival jealous?"
Your Energy is concerned with how things feel. It asks: "Does this feel alive? Do I feel expansive or contracted? Does this drain me or fuel me?"
The Ego loves the promotion that comes with 80-hour weeks. The Energy hates the sleep deprivation and the stress.
The Ego loves the expensive car that requires a monthly payment that keeps you trapped in a job you hate. The Energy hates the golden handcuffs.
The Ego loves the "power couple" relationship that looks great on Instagram. The Energy feels the cold distance at the dinner table.
The Successful Drain
In Your Own Lane, I talk about the concept of the "Successful Drain."
These are the parts of your life that look impressive on paper but are actually leaking your vitality. They are the most dangerous drains because you are applauded for having them.
Examples of Successful Drains: The High-Maintenance Client:* They pay you a premium fee, but they call you at 10 PM, disrespect your team, and ruin your weekends. Your accountant says "Success." Your gut says "Misery." The Status Friend Group:* You hang out with them because they are "important" or "cool." But you leave every dinner feeling insecure, judged, or exhausted from performing. The "Productive" Habit:* You wake up at 5 AM and take ice baths because you heard a podcast say that's what billionaires do. But you are miserable and tired all day.
If your life is full of Successful Drains, you will burn out. It doesn't matter how much money you make. You cannot build a sustainable life on a foundation that extracts more than it deposits.
The Values Inventory
So, how do you stop playing the wrong game? You have to write your own scorecard. You have to conduct a Values Inventory.
In the book, I offer a framework for this, but here is the simplified version: Look at your last week. Identify the 3 moments where you felt the most Alive (not just happy, but engaged, flow-state, real). Now identify the 3 moments where you felt the most Drained (resentful, bored, anxious).
* What values were present in the Alive moments? (Creativity? Autonomy? Connection? Solitude?) * What values were violated in the Drained moments? (Control? shallowness? unfairness?)
These are your Real Metrics. If you value Autonomy, but you are winning the game of "High Salary Corporate VP," you are actually losing. If you value Connection, but you are winning the game of "Solo Hustle Entrepreneur," you are losing.
Realignment Is Not Laziness
When you start to pivot away from False Metrics, your Ego will panic. It will whisper: "You are being lazy. You are falling behind. People will think you lost your edge."
Let me be clear: Realignment is not laziness. It is strategy.
The only way to do meaningful work over a lifetime is to design a life that regenerates you. * It might mean disappointing a few people to save your sanity. * It might mean earning slightly less to gain massive amounts of peace. * It might mean being "boring" so you can be brilliant.
Define Your Own Win
Stop asking if you are winning. Start asking if you like the game.
You are allowed to change the rules. You are allowed to decide that success isn't a corner office, but a quiet morning with coffee and a book. You are allowed to decide that wealth isn't a number in a bank account, but the ability to control your own time. You are allowed to decide that impact isn't millions of followers, but raising two kind children.
If the prize is exhaustion, stop playing. Pick a new game.